Game of Thrones – S07E04 – The Spoils of War

This entry is part 5 of 8 in the series:
Game of Thrones Season 7

Wow, I’m so sorry… I just really wanted some how to get that into one of these posts some day.

BUT WHO WATCHED GAME OF THRONES?

If you didn’t, just leave, you don’t know what I’m about to say (okay neither do I).

Alright, fun fact time™, this one, Episode 4 Season 7 – “The Spoils of War”, was leaked… that’s right the ‘spoils’ of war, as a title, should’ve acted as a spoiler alert. Anyone who watched the leaked version early, I’m mad at you. You’re letting the team down.

Anyway, last night’s episode was directed by  Matt Shakman, who has legit never written anything serious. He’s known for mostly TV comedy. So if you also think that the whole thing just seemed like a massive joke, it’s not because “Jon Snow knows nothing”, it’s because Shakman only knows comedy.

Alright, that’s enough hater skater boy talk, ya’ll know how it goes. Character by character.

Jaime Lannister and that other guy he was ripping off:

Okay first up, I’d like before my continuation to point out that I totally predicted a particular Lanister’s landing to be six feet under. But Jaime six feet under water wasn’t exactly the ideal ending to meet my expectations… although I guess it’s suitable considering the complete lack of character depth the writers give him.

Anyhow, forgive me for starting at the ending. Before all the fire and stuff, Jaime got completely called out for not “paying his debts”. Jaime was like, “I cant give you this castle here because the dragons are just gonna take it back, no point, ya feel?”, then the other guy later just whipped out the secret weapon and shot the dragon down. UM SORRY WHAT? Are they even planning these episodes? I thought that big slingshot was going to be held on to until it would be awesome to use it… and yet when the dragon was shot he just gracefully floated on down. Also if they took the weapon with them, why exactly weren’t they ready for a dragon attack?

Okay, but can we just have a little appreciation for this line, “Queen of Thorns give you one last prick in the balls before saying goodbye?”

I’m here like WOOOWWW the COMEDY!

Anyway, they mixed burning to death and drowning, which are my two least favourite methods of murder… it’s fine though actually.

But even Tyrion is standing there like OMG she’s actually crazy. Speaking of which, mum thinks that Tyrion is going to jump in and save Jaime… well just leave that alone for now and see what happens. But, as I’ve said before, Jaime’s story line has just run out.

Khaleesi and Jon Snow:

Speaking of comedy, are they trying to make Game of Thrones a rom-com or what?

Like who else saw the prospect for a Jon Snow cave scene part 2? It got romantic for a second there… she got very close… I checked if they were holding hands when they walked out.

Tonight, my friends, we are going to ultimately diminish Dany’s power and replace it with some good old gossip. Was anyone else disappointed when Daenerys and Missandeis little girl talk about grey worm got interrupted? Dany’s like, “Dude what happpeneddd?”, (wink wink, nudge nudge), and Missi was like “Many things”, (translation for the guys: OMG girl you know I can’t talk to you about this you’re my boss… and Jon might not live up to it). Anyway, we see a little of Emilia Clarke sprout out when her eyebrows do the thing… you know… the thing. And then they give each other the, ‘We’ll talk later’ look, and off we go into Jon’s glass cave.

Anyway enough of that, good for Jon, someone’s coincidentally drawn pictures of the “children of the forest” (I don’t know what that is, but it sounds cool), the first men and the White Walkers. This gives Jon the opportunity to give a big lecture about joining forces, and poor old love struck Dany believes the beautiful man, about the ice zombies just because someone got some cave crayons and did some stick figures.

But Dany is like “Look, I told you, man, I’ll help if you… BEND. THE. KNEE.” The poor boy is nearly in tears like “People are going to be mad if I do that.” Then my girl calls him straight out on his childish behaviour. “Isn’t their survival more important than your pride?”, to which he should have replied, “Boo I’ll drop my pride when you drop your pants.” BAM! POLITICS!

This scene, however, ends with Dany finding out about Jaime doing his job out there, and she gets a little cranky with Tyrion. Then says shes going to fly a dragon and asks Jon, who’s all like, “Don’t do that, or you won’t be special anymore.” She’s all like, “SHUTUP YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO AGREE WITH ME! WHATEVER, IM LEAVING TO MAKE KRISPY KEBABS OF THE LANISTERS!”

Later, Davos and Jon have a lad chat about Dany’s ‘Good Heart’. Davos says, “Yeah I’ve noticed you staring at her heart.”!!!

Then Jon gets cranky with Theon, that meatless kebab with suspiciously good hair.

Arya:

That sneaky little death nugget. Honestly, the more Starks that come back, the more petty, girly and innocent they’re making Sansa look. Sansa is shook.  And then Arya walks into Brienne beating some little servant… can we have an applause for the Jon Snow vs. Samwell Tarly throwback?

Anyway, the important part is where Arya and Brienne have that mad little fight. (AFTER BIG BIRD OF TARTH REFRAINS FROM “IM NOT A LADY”. Yeah Brienne, a lady wouldn’t have hit a little girl she doesn’t even know like that, even if she could’ve made a big bird chicken kebab out of you with her little sword, which is apparently “too small.”

“YoU cAN’t UsE ThAT my LAdy; It’S tOo sMaLL.”

Arya goes, “Don’t worry; I won’t cut you.”

And theeennn….

Cersei:

Again, what are you even doing girl? Just drinking wine and saying cool things and being broke and bald?

The end.

JK. I THOUGHT FOR A MINUTE THAT THEY WERE GOING TO SHOOT AND KILL MY DRAGON AND MY GIRL AND I HAD A HEART ATTACK BUT DIDNT CRY THIS TIME ROUND *finger guns*

Also, there’s this….

“This writing is in Valyrian when you’re not looking,”