19th April, 2024
Is everyone familiar with IISuperwomanII? No? THEN GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER DUDE!
She made a video ages ago about scary movie cliches right, and I’m here being 12 years old like “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA wait what is she even talking about? I cried in all the Disney movies. I had nightmares about Edward Scissorhands”.
But now, in all my wisdom, I get it, girl…
So someone gives me a drumroll… (If you aren’t tapping enthusiastically on something right now you can just leave, I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life thanks.)
I am slightly displeased to present; a recipe for horror movies!
Fake Musical Suspense
Okay look, can I just have a quick talk to horror film producers? You’re being way too dramatic. The big loud screechy/droney sound at the start when the movie name shows up on the screen is just not necessary. I know what it’s called, I know that it’s scary. I knew both of these things when I pressed play. Why are you essentially caps lock texting me through the music? WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME LIKE “DDDDDAAAAARRRRRGGGGGFFFFFNRHHHHH”??? And so early in the movie? I’m over here letting myself be manipulated by the bad violin music like yeasssss something is about to happen I know it I’m psychic!! Then nope… it’s nothing… Johnny’s not here, Johnny just ate an apple or something boring just so that the director can have some sort of satisfaction in knowing that I’m sitting here realising how much of a sucker I am.
Ignoring Things
Scary movies are notorious for staring really dumb people. Like the people in scary movies have never seen a scary movie. Just like, by the way, real estate agents are required to tell you if a murder or something similar happened in the house… and when you get your hands on this big old beautiful house in the middle of whoop whoop, you ask. Don’t be dumb. As soon as you move in, no matter how often you change homes, we all know that thing is gonna follow you, otherwise, how would there be a sequel? You get like seven signs before you all die, and somehow when you see all your family photos fall down for no reason, you’re just like “Oh yeah, that’s cool. It’s just the wind. Lets put it back up and never think about it again until we all die.”
Going into the Basement and/or Attic
Idiotic decision number one, don’t go in the basement! God sakes, if you have to pry the door open and then climb down some creaky stairs, then there’s a reason for that. If no one has lived in the house for 100 years, there’s a reason for that. If you discover a secret boarded up part of the house that hasn’t been opened since forever, then again, THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT! What is it about a boarded-up door that makes you think, “Geez I wonder why it’s boarded up, its almost as if we aren’t supposed to go in there… seems like a cool spot to hang out and snoop around.” NO! THAT’S WHERE THE BODIES ARE! THAT’S WHERE THE DEAD GIRLS DOLL IS! THAT’S WHERE THE WASHING MACHINE IS! All things that no one should ever have to deal with, but now all ya’ll are going to use the refunded money from your house to pay for lifelong counselling.
The Phone Call
Okay… when you get told you’re going to die in 7 days, the correct response isn’t, “Who is this?” or “What do you want?”. It’s “Okay tell Lucifer to be ready cause my homecoming party is about to be hella lit.”. Better yet, you should do what you do with phone salesmen… tell them you don’t have wifi, hang up, don’t ask questions, don’t answer theirs or leave it on the bench so that your little sister can have a chat with her new friend.
Phones don’t Exist?
Then, after hanging up the phone from the weird dude, apparently, it disappears. Can’t you call 000 (or 911 for you Americans) in an emergency? Aren’t they kinda required to come and help? Isn’t that their job? Absolutely not. Not to mention, we literally know where everyone is and what they’re doing all the time because of our phones, no? My question here is if the pretty dumb blonde ditz is always the first to die, why is she not live streaming it? Why does it have to be a mystery? Because legit, the scariest part of most horror movies is when they lose reception.
The Creepy Kid/s
Why is it always the children? I’m confused here like aww that kids so cute… wait… nope… that’s a knife… his head just spun around… what bad parenting. ‘Sits in a rocking chair’, Back in the day, we rode our bikes to our friend’s places, and now kids can’t go anywhere without being possessed. I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids. Hehehehehe.
The Dog Dies
Why is the dog always the first to die? The dog never did anything wrong? I thought this was a thriller, not a tragedy? What is this? Shouldn’t I be screaming instead of crying? And why do we not get any dog grieving after the dog dies suspiciously? Does no one care but me? Because then you get the cute kid that’s like “Scooby-Doo where are you?” Then the child finds Scooby, and no one can solve the mystery now. Just don’t kill the dog. There is one exception to this, however…
The Sex Scene
Don’t. Someone’s gonna get killed. It’s really not a good story for your parents to tell when people say, “Oh I’m so sorry, what happened?” They have to be like “well they were doing the nasty, and someone was evil and nastier.”
Lack of Bathrooms
Also, no showers, or baths. Or looking in the mirror. Would you rather piss your pants because you didn’t go to the toilet in two days or because you just saw a ghost?
Let’s Play Detective
The worst decision ever is, “let’s split up.” No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO! What are you doing? The more scared you are, the more stupid you are. What, you think the ghost will kill all of you at once? That has never happened ever. The second you’re by yourself, the ghost is like oh let’s play chase the idiot, and then when you trip and get dragged into the basement (which should be boarded up, but stupid stays stupid right?). I mean, let’s be real, this is a horror movie, which means we don’t need any character development or growth or any kind of plotline pfft.
Other People Comments
Yeah and then there’s that person who’s not even in the movie and for some reason thinks that it’s their destiny in life to be like “OH YEAHH I GET IT! *blah bluh blubbyity blehhh all stuff that ends up being wrong anyway bluh bliiii*”. No, Susan, you don’t get it. If it’s that predictable, then why did you just have to unstick yourself from the ceiling cause they caught you off guard and you jumped higher than an Australian school bus with a tail hmmm?
Credit Music
Am I the only one that just finds the credit music of movies annoying? Like any kind of movie, what’s the point of leaving the credits going if it’s not for an extra scene at the end? But horror credit music isn’t even music. It’s just longer, loud droney sounds which are literally not scary, but just annoying. Why would you not pick some boppers to play at the end of your movie? You just saw everyone die, and I don’t know about anyone else but personally, at my funeral, if anyone makes droney annoying sounds that are louder than the bangers of my funeral playlist then they can just leave thanks.
It’s all Actually Psychological and a Metaphor, like “It’s a Metaphor”
Then and then and then and THEN AND THEN it all ends up being a bloody metaphor that’s taking a dig at trying to represent some random mental illness artistically! Monster? Depression. Demonic possession? Schizophrenia. Ghosts? Greif. Cannibalism? Nail-biting. Obviously.
