I know you’ve seen articles and YouTube videos with the same title as this one every year since 2014, but mine’s better. So stick with it. Plus, I think we could all use some easy reading right now, so why not indulge my BuzzFeed style journalism? Just for the LOLs.
Many people in lockdown haven’t had the chance to catch up with friends lately. So before we’re allowed back out into the world, I suggest you read this list and organise your celebratory picnic accordingly.
The Maccas Friend
Allow me to explain – I don’t mean the friend that likes fast food. McDonald’s is something I get a craving for once in a while, but when finally I give in and get McDonald’s, it makes me feel sick. Hense- a Maccas friend is someone who you hang out with every few months just to remember they’re kind of unpleasant.
The Networking Friend
This is that one friend who just seems to know EVERYONE. You catch up every so often, and every second person on the street flags them down for a chat. The good thing is, they point you in the direction of someone useful from time to time. They’re great at putting you in touch with the right people. When you start up your business, their word-of-mouth is more effective than any marketing strategy you could ever come up with.
The Long-Distance Friend
The distance can be literal or metaphorical. This is a friend who either lives far away from you or is just super busy and challenging to track down, but the one time a year you see them – it’s like no time has passed at all. You probably share a sense of humour or outlook on life, and it keeps you two coming back to eachother.
The 7/11 Friend
Again, I don’t mean this literally. These are not necessarily friends that you take to a 7/11. These are friends of convenience (get it?). These are people with who you form a friendship purely out of situational ease. That person who’s on all the same shifts as you, who you’d never usually talk to outside of the workplace, but between 9 and 5, it’s like you’ve known each other your whole lives. It’s that person who happened to enrol in all the same classes as you did, so you walk to class together and sit together, but apart from that, you don’t really talk.
The Dad Friend
We’ve all heard of the mum friend. A dad friend isn’t the opposite of a mum friend – it’s just a different breed of the same thing. Your dad friend will always encourage you, even though they probably don’t understand what you’re talking about. They don’t know how to counsel you like your mum friend, but they tell bad jokes, give good hugs, and have handyman skills. They’re probably reasonably laid-back and slightly elusive. Occasionally they’ll pitch into the conversation to share some random detail about themselves, like “oh, I was in a plane crash once”, and refuse to elaborate.
The Ugly Duckling
This friend doesn’t have to be ugly, as such… but there’s always that one friend whose gene pool is particularly blessed, and they might pale in comparison. If you’re not picking up what I’m putting down, go listen to Stacey’s mom.
The Friend by Association
You don’t know the first thing about these people. They’re your friend’s friends. You hang out in a group setting all the time, but if you two are left alone, there’s an ungodly awkward silence. When you see them in public, you’re not sure if it’s expected that you say hi. Even in group scenarios, you have no idea how to appropriately greet them. Like do we hug?
Oldie, but a Goodie
This is that random elderly person you’re pals with. It might be a bit of a mentorship situation, but not quite. They’re not related to you but might work with you or something. It’s a classic tale of an unlikely friendship. You both learn so much from each other, and despite the age difference, you just get eachother. You gently correct them when they make racist remarks, and in return, they gracefully deem you ‘one of the good ones’.
The Friend who becomes your Crush
Alternatively, the friendship started out flirty until you both realised that there was no chemistry there, and now you’re just plain pals.
The Carry Along
That friend that you can take anywhere. They don’t care what your plans are; they’re happy to come along. They’re the friend that you can take to the grocery store one day and Spain the next. They’re always down to tag along for an adventure, so long as they’re not the one planning it.
The Parent Pleaser
That friend who, for no apparent reason, your parents absolutely love. They think this person is gods gift to earth, no matter what. This person walks into your house as if they live there, and your parents wouldn’t mind if they moved in. You two could have a friendship-ending argument, and your mum would take THEIR side.
The Family Friend
You might be friends, but your parents were friends first. You probably talk only a handful of times per year because they’re the only person at the family function your age, but your parents are pushing for marriage.
Social Media Friend
This is that person that you’ve probably never met in real life. Maybe once. But you hype each other up on Instagram as if you’ve known each other your entire lives.
The Party Friend
This is your friend who goes out every weekend, invites you to their place for pre-drinks, and hypes you up even when you’re being the boring ‘responsible’ one. You might expect them to be irresponsible, careless and happy-go-lucky. In my experience, they’re the first person to offer you a glass of water; they watch your drinks for you, go to the bathroom with you, make sure you have a good time, and make sure you get home safe.
The Trophy Friend
This is the one who did something notable. Maybe they’re in a mildly successful band. Perhaps they’re on a national sporting team. Regardless, every chance you get, you brag that you’re friends with them.
The Daily Planner Friend
This is the person who always books the dinner reservation. The one who buys a diary in January and actually still uses it in December. This is the busiest person you know who somehow manages to miraculously schedule you in for a lunch date every other week. This is the friend that teaches you self care and productivity hacks. This is the friend who actually sorts their washing into different colours. They’re helpful, kind, and always on the grind.
The Friend who doesn’t do Social Media
You have no idea what this person is up to at any given time. They are the happiest, healthiest, most well-rounded individuals but you kind of forget that they exist. You’ll randomly bump into them a year after your last run-in, and somehow they’re married, wealthy and raising fourteen wonderful children on their hobby farm.
The Deja Vu Friend
This is the person who you knew as a child, lost touch with, and reconnected by chance years later. This one comes to mind because on my first week of uni, I happened to sit next to a girl who seemed so intensely familiar that it seemed strange to introduce myself. A few days later, we realised that we’d gone to primary school together.
The ‘we should catch up’ Friend that you don’t catch up with
Maybe you were friends in your younger years, and you didn’t exactly have a falling out, but you drifted for one reason or another. You say happy birthday, you do the obligatory ‘we should get coffee some time’ conversation when you bump into eachother at the grocery store. There’s no bad blood, per se, but you just don’t have a lot left to say to them.
The Frequency Friend
This is someone that you might not think of as a friend in a traditional sense. They’re people who know personal things about you and see you fairly often, and you probably get along really well. Frequency friends are people such as your local coffee shop owner or regular barista. It’s your favourite checkout chick at Woolies. It’s your hairdresser, your favourite teacher, your cool dentist… the unsung heroes of casual interaction.
“Send this to your friends and refuse to tell them which one they are.”
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